Monday, May 23, 2011

Mozart, the Comedian

SO, it turns out: Mozart was a funny mother-fucker. In addition to his symphonic victories, he wrote this little beauty, called "Leck mich im Arsch" - or "lick my ass". You can hear it hither:

Here are the lyrics to his second song "Lick my ass nice and clean":

Lick my ass nicely,

lick it nice and clean,

nice and clean, lick my ass.

That’s a greasy desire,

nicely buttered,

like the licking of roast meat,
my daily activity.

Three will lick more than two,

come on, just try it,

and lick, lick, lick.

Everybody lick his own ass himself.

I dedicate this song, to Monday.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Nicolas Cage's less than Kickass new flick...

My latest movie review for Channel 24 is for Nic Cage's latest offering, Season of the Witch.

You know a movie’s going to be good when English Knights launch into war-banter with heavy American accents. And when Persians ululate. But I walked in with a very open mind, knowing very little more than the title and a brief synopsis. So I kept it that way, despite its rather distinct and immediate flaws. Besides, I LOVE historical movies.

The beginning is unsettling and eerie: three witches lined up on a bridge, being prepared for a hanging. After their quick and graphic deaths, the priest is rushed through his preferred rituals. In his desperation to ensure the witches’ powers are eternally destroyed, he sneaks back that night to read prayers from the Book of Solomon. Only, he’s too late...

Find the full review here. Open today in cinemas.

I love some Nic Cage. There was Kickass, which was an interesting new direction for the mumbly Copolla. City of Angels, The Rock - I could list for days. I love his broody voice. He's still sexy, despite the scraggly hair and permanent goatee. Just love him. So I HATE not loving his movies. I absolutely LOVE historical films, especially when they're full of mysticism and use ancient religion to add some "real-life" scaryness. Anyway, read the review for my views. Let me know what you though of it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Orlando & Tarquin (and my new vocabulary)

You know that feeling that something’s missing from your life? And you can never seem to shake it?

Well, I’m here to help. Because I have found that thing. I discovered the missing element. The “ZING” in “amazing”. The “WONDER” in “wonderful.” The “AWE” in “awesome. The “COCK” in “huge-cock”.

If you haven’t been on a gap yah, you know someone who did. And for no other reason than sheer hilarity, I have to introduce this to you and your life:

May you be at peace, my child, knowing that never again will you feel empty and meaningless. Knowing, that even in the darkest times, Gap Yah will be there to fill the void.

No shurrup. I’m hungovah. I might chundah EVERYWAH!. Got LASHED last night. In my LASHmina.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Man man men ma-ma-manly men men

My car hates me.

Well, she’s more like a really testy girlfriend. She goes through phases where she’s just great: no cutting out shit, no flat batteries, no clogged arteries. She’s really a good car in so many ways. She’s light on petrol - which is rare and very important these days. I mean, she’s not perfect. Like someone who wishes their girlfriend had bigger boobs or a smaller arse, I wish she had air-conditioning and a more potent second gear. But, for the most part, she’s reliable.

But over the past four years, she’s been a moody bitch between her bouts of steady sanity. Had to get some of her wires cut when she kept just shutting down for no reason. She’s been with so many auto-electricians in her life... It’s disgusting. And she still wants a new bloody battery every year and a half. I wont bore you with all the details, suffice it to say she’s demanding and difficult. And I bring this all up because she’s once again pulled a little hissy fit. Again, details unnecessary.

But the funniest thing about all this is how the men react. How they want to rescue you from your automobile hell. Like they know what a pain in the ass a moody, stubborn bitch can be, and they’d like to help you out of that pain. A referred empathy. Which isn’t to say that you’re the moody, stubborn bitch, just that he’s been there.

And they go into real MAN-MODE. They try touch as many greasy, dirty parts of the under-bonnet as possibly; get as grimy as they can to show you how HANDS-ON they are. And man, do THEY want to be the dude who fixes it and saves you! “NO! Don’t call the mechanics yet! I’m sure we can fix it!” And unfortunately, they usually fail. Unless it’s something as simple as a flat battery or a busted fuse. Even then, it can elude even the most enthusiastic males *cough*. It’s very cute.

I suppose my point is that no matter how androgynous we’re likely to become, as matter of evolution, men will always want to be heroes. Bear Grylls Syndrome.

And that us woman-folk (or man-friends) should let them be. Let them stare at your engine for an hour and a half, while you hold a tray of wrenches nearby. There’s a natural instinct in males to be masculine, strong, and most importantly, right. So even once you’ve taken your cab to a proper mechanic, build him up yeah? Tell him he’s so amazing, you would never have guessed there were fuses on the battery too! Oh my gooodNESS! Et cetera.

Or better yet, get a decent car that doesn’t fuck you around.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Scary. As. Fuck.

I've been going through the movies I'm going to preview this month, and hopefully review for Channel 24. I usually read some synopses and watch a trailer or two if I feel the need. (For the record, I usually hate trailers. They're very badly cut these days and tend to give away far too much content. But sometimes they illustrate the tone of a movie well if I need more info.)

So this morning, I watched the trailer for "Insidious". Yes, it should say a lot that it's made by the same chaps who did "Saw". But there's more to it for a change. Which is evident in said trailer:

FUCK. MY. EYES. How creepy does that look? And it's PG13!!!! PG THIR-FRIKKIN-TEEN yo!? But it has that thriller "something-more-to-it" thing going on. Sort of how The Ring freaked you out? 'Sept in this case, I think we'll know WHY it freaks us out. Well, I hope.

I'll watch this puppy at the end of the month, just for you, and review it. Hopefully those lovely folks will publish it.

I'll need you to buy me a new pair of pants afterwards, I'm sure.

If you'd like to see my other reviews here's the Blue Valentine review and one I wrote about SA horror, Night Drive.