Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Farting behind closed butt cheeks



Farting is a simple yet complicated bodily function. It’s simple, because, well, we need to do it. It’s a totally natural thing. We have internal waste systems for a reason, yea? It’s complicated because most women (in particular) hate it. And ponies smell bad. Duh.

I decided to ask the Twitter world what they thought of farting, particularly in bed. Because you have to realise that at some point in your life, you’re going to fart in front of the person you have sex with. So specifics need to be noted.

You will not actually believe how many people said “it’s fine, as long as it doesn’t stink”.

…..



Seriously? But, like, really?

I’d say 10% of farts are odour free. I don’t think anyone would give a continental shit (all puns in this post intended) about farts if they didn’t smell vile. Much like burping. Burping can be hilarious. Though it seldom is after a spicy dinner.

I could immediately tell who’d been in a comfortable, long-term relationship. The young people replied with their “Oh my GAAD NFW!” (no fucking way) and “I think it’s poor form of either partner” responses.

Most people were of the “Let it Flow” party. “You gotta let it out”; “It’s not paying rent – get outta there!”; “It’s totally bad for you to hold it in.” Mostly men. Obviously.



Now, my other half believes that women suffer from the terrible stomach problems they have because of their tendency to hold back on the tooting. Which is not entirely inaccurate. A huge percentage of women suffer from IBS and all sorts of kak (ya.), which definitely isn’t helped by holding in gas all day. So yes, concluded in the general sense, once you’ve been in a relationship long enough for you to be comfortable to do it, do it. Don’t OVERDO it. But, you know, do what you gotta do. Just a thought.

My query was with bed-farting in particular. Because I hate it. Yes, farting in your sleep is a tricky one to beat, and if the other person’s asleep it can do little harm, so that can pass. But lying in the bed, having just come from night-time ablutions, and letting one rip like a lipless person playing a trumpet, is just not cool. Anger before sleep is never good. Neither is receiving a palm to your nose.

Some said go for it, just be considerate and don’t lift the covers. But then surely it festers like some kind of fart incubator? Only to come out worse with the additional tang of feet? Others said do that, but make an air vent at the bottom with your foot. A more promising suggestion, but not entirely baff-proof. Air doth moveth in mysterious ways. Then there were those who think that Dutch-ovening* is totally hilarious. I don’t know about you, but I would fuck a dude up good and proppa if he EVER did that. Like ball-pummelling kind of pain.

Most of the women suggested doing your best to get it all out in the bathroom and farting away from the other person as much as possible. Which is a typical women answer: It’s endearing and considerate, with the best intentions fitted into reasonable logic. But the truth is farts don’t come on cue to most of us. Some of us are lucky and can channel all unwanted gassage down at once, and eject. For the majority, they usually come up in the middle of a board meeting or lift. And when you’ve just climbed into bed and give that first relaxing sigh. All your muscles relax when you’re relaxed, so it just makes sense.

Is farting in bed okay?

NOT if you do it the first second you’ve climbed in.
NOT if you’re doing it deliberately and you know it’s going to kill all living creatures in a ten meter radius.
NOT if you plan on violently flapping the duvet around, like that’s going to solve the problem.
NOT (NOT NOT NOT NOT) if your arse is facing the other human being beside you. You deserve to have a studded plug shoved in there if you’re gonna tempt that shit.

YES, if you’re asleep.
YES if it’s reasonably inoffensive.
YES, if it’s not going to play out an entire symphony that would put Bach to shame.
(i.e. and wake the other passenger up.)
YES, if you know how to spread your cheeks and make that unnoticeable “ffffffff” sound. That’s funny.
And YES, if you know your partner can have a laugh and get over it. And do it back to you.

2 comments:

  1. some country wants to make farting illegal

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1351174/African-country-set-make-breaking-wind-crime.html#comments

    ReplyDelete
  2. these things are freaking hillarious

    ReplyDelete