Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Eat, Pray, GET BENT.



There’s a lot of pointless shit in the world. And it exists because people buy into it. Or physically buy it. There’s a specific category of pointless shit that I’m sure makes millions. A lot of people think they need it, and they drink it up like the fountain of youth and knowledge. Yes, we’re entering self-help book territory. That area in the bookshop people like to pretend they’re not looking at. Pfft.

I despise self-help more than most people hate brussel sprouts. (I like brussel sprouts.) They are filled with brainwashing, sycophantic bullshit. Or brainwashing scolding techniques (and brussel sprouts aren’t.) They’ve fed into the idea that people need to fix aaaalll the shit they think is wrong in their lives, and that the answers to all those problems lie within the two hundred pages of drivel some shrink decided would change their lives. A bloody monkey could write that shit and you’d nod your head in agreement. (I have tested this theory on a friend. She said her shrink was a twat. I guessed what he’d said about her issues. Spot on. And I mean – verbatim.)

What’s worse than self-help books? This growing idea that self-help books are good movie material. As if self-help crap wasn’t bad enough. That shit should be burned. Like whichever Caesar burnt all pagan scripture. It is the debbil! All five of your copies of “I’m really insecure, make me feel better” are muddling up your brain and turning you into a potential patient at TARA. Go see a real shrink (as in PSYCHIATRIST) if you really need help. Jesus.

But re-scripting this stuff and turning it into a motion picture? The world has gone crazy people. It started with “He’s just not that into you”, which admittedly, was a cute movie. But I will categorically state that it was only cute because of its fab cast. The characters are a pathetic bunch of arseholes. And it’s the kind of book/movie that conveys the message that life’s not complete ‘til you find that someone special. And even though all the girls learn that ‘he’s just not that into you’, every single one of them has a man at the end of the flick. Oh, and don’t ask me how alike the book and movie are – I have no fucking idea.



Now, if I say the cast saved “He’s just not that into you”, this next one should be a bit of a conundrum. “Eat, Pray, Love” is the next sonofabitch. Their first conniving trick was to pay Julia Roberts mucho dinero to star in it. Hmmm. I loves me some Gggulia.



I have no issues with urging people to eat. Food is great. Chow down. Praying is another individual exercise a lot of people need to do so, each to their own. Love is also a relative term that is very different to various people. And what is that part anyway? “Love.” Gee okay! Unrequited still okay? “LOVE EVERYODY! LOVE IS ANSWER!” Crikey I’m waiting for bell-bottoms and flower-power to make a come-back. (Not that I mind. I quite dig hippie hairstyles.) Bottom line here – if it wasn’t such a self-righteous bunch of crap, I might respect it for what it is: a way to help people. But it’s not. It’s just another sad person who took measures to change her life, and decided the world needed to know how she did it, and they should all do it too or they’ll never be as happy as her. And what does that really do? To someone who doesn’t know better, it makes them feel shit about their lives. Even if they appear on Oprah, tears in their eyes, sobbing, with book in hand, about how much it saved them. And in the movie case, they probably walked into the cinema perfectly content with life. Again – never read the book. I never will. Don’t ask me to.


(I love Gggulia)

Self-help movies should only be available on the internet, or through Verimark ads. I wont crouch in on certain peoples’ needs to validate their existence or ‘polish’ up their job being a human being. Well, at least no more than I have. But bringing self-help into the cinema isn’t a simple matter of: “well, if you don’t wanna watch it, don’t buy a ticket!” It means that millions of people are still looking for ‘the answers to life’. ‘What’s the secret to living “right”?’ My issue with it is, that after all this time, do we still feel the need to be living in a way that gets all round approval? People don’t need to know your every action and movement. And if they do, and they find it odd… so what? Is everyone worried they’re going to be filmed on reality TV and have their nuances displayed to the world? Probably, the point is the world is fucked for why we’re here in the first place. Living life is complicated. This whole industry is probably tied up by all sorts of messed up reasons. Over-exposure to how other people live, past subjugations and inequalities and all sorts of societal exposures influence the way people feel about their lives. My point ultimately, is that unless the issues in your life are debilitating, it doesn’t really need fixing. Everyone’s dated an arsehole or five. Everyone has family issues. Everyone secretly likes porn. People have to ‘start over again’ every morning. Your shit is your shit, and you have people in your life to bang it out with. Some generalised guide of how to deal with your crap is not going to be the thing that helps you grow or makes you a better person. You probably already are ‘cause you went through it in the first place.

But mostly, I don’t need more crappy content added to the disappointing cinematic year, mkay? Even if it is Ggulia.


(This is Scolding Puppy. He's looking at you that way to let you know I'm serious. But he's a puppy, so you can't be mad at me. I'm fucking smart eh?)

1 comment:

  1. Spot on! ;)

    I've never bought a SHB in my life, neither do I rush off and buy the Oprah-approved drivel that has the audience sobbing in their tissues (in order to check under the chair for their autographed copy of EPL).

    Self-help is exactly that. Help your self. Not help-via-credit-card-in-Exclusive-Books....

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