Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hollywood Ho-Down

I think it would be an understatement to say that there are some insanely creative and talented people in the world. They’re all over the place just dying for their work and imagination to be put to good use. Why is it then, that Hollywood has entered an age (yes – age) of remakes? And shitty remakes I’ll add. Both in that the remakes are crap, and in most cases, so were the originals. And what’s worse than redoing a shitty movie, is trying to reinvent a classic – it’s sacrilege.

Where to begin…

There are those that are pointless and transparently about box office cash:

Kids loved the original Karate Kid back in the ‘80s. And they still loved it in the ‘90s. I wouldn’t classify it as a cult classic, but it was massively dug. The two sequels, not so much. But Mr. Miyagi is a legend. “Wax on, wax off” will forever be famous, for no other reason than he said it.

And the chap who played Mr. Miyagi, Pat Morita, was also the latter day Jackie Chan, in that he was in every kiddie Kung Fu movie made. Difference being that at least Jackie Chan is “Jackie Chan” and unfortunately Pat is “Mr. Miyagi”. The original was also nominated for an Oscar. Why? BECAUSE IT WAS AN ORIGINAL!

Even though the 2010 version has an authentic looking Chan and Big Will’s kid in it, it ain’t gettin’ no Oscars. I understand that making a wannabe inspirational karate movie and NOT calling it The Karate Kid would be head-slappingly lame. And there is a gap in movie land for tweens.

They’re not really into the teen romance flicks yet, and want to be too cool to watch animations. But I still find it hard to believe that they can’t think of anything else. I’ll reserve harsher judgement on this ‘til I’ve actually seen the movie.

There are those that have potential:

Arthur’s another one they’re busy redoing. And the tricksy little hobbitses have clinched Russel Brand’s skinny white arse. And Jennifer Gardner’s. I don’t see much Liza Minnelli resemblance there, which is possibly a good thing. In case you don’t know, Arthur was about a bratty heir who does what he likes. Usually resulting in drunken acts of inhibition. His problem is, he can only inherit his fortune if he marries a picked out prim lass. Only to be exacerbated by his meeting a very interesting woman who has no money to speak of. And it was an Oscar WINNER.

I suspect that (in line with modern day comedy, and what we consider to be risqué and funny now) this one will be funny and enjoyable. The movie’s just old enough for a good wad of the movie-going population to view it as an original, and let’s face it: Russel Brand’s hilarious.

And there are those that have been talked about, but not confirmed:
The buzz on some possible remakes is also worrying. Forgive the inaccuracy here, but because these are all based on rumours (highly plausible rumours, but rumours nonetheless) I’m not entirely sure if they’re complete remakes, prequels or sequels. I’ve also grouped them according to genres, and reasons why they should/shouldn’t be redone.

Slapstick comedy from the ‘80s or ‘90s


Another classic that was awesome in it’s time – there’s no reason to redo it. The slapstick humour and gooey gruesomeness was unique to the time, and they’ll no doubt try to replicate that. And fail.

Police Academy

A stupid idea for the same reasons as the Ghostbusters remake. Plus they made too many sequels for this to be salvageable.

Classic, cheesy old school

Honey I shrunk the kids

Whyyyyy?! Why oh why oh whyyyy?!


Musicals are definitely back and are box office gold. But there are hundreds of them to choose from. Leave ‘80s classics as they are. And Kevin Bacon. Leave him out of it too.

Teen Wolf

This is Michael J Fox magic you’re dealing with here. Not to mention the plethora of werewolves on our TV and movie screens right now. Considering the current climate, this might actually do well if it’s updated properly.

The Neverending Story

I loved this movie when I was younger. And I wouldn’t mind seeing an updated version of this at all, to be honest. No issues here.

Superhero slash Comic Book Movies and Action


Hmmm ya, ‘cause the first one was so awesome. As was the Elektra spinoff. Prime example of redoing a shit movie. It’s kak because it’s kak – don’t kid yourself. It had nothing to do with Ben Affleck.

The Crow

This is not to be fucked with. The Crow IS a cult classic and Brandon Lee died making this bitch. It should be watched the way the people who created it intended. I will be shocked if this movie doesn’t tank. Blasphemy!

Spiderman, Spy Kids, Superman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Comic book remakes will never cease to exist, so I shall cease to complain. And just make sure I never have to watch them. ‘Sept for Iron Man. Iron Man is awesome.

Tomb Raider

If it’s not Angie – and it isn’t going to be – I’m not interested. She’s the only reason the first batch of films worked. Her and Daniel Craig and Gerard Butler, that is.



Stuff that’s just way to young to be remade

American Pie

Yes, they don’t think they’ve quite milked the life out of this one yet. Apparently it might even include old-timers Jason Biggs and Sean William Scott. If they’re trying to redo this for the new generation – just show them the goddamn original! It’s not that old.

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

I know what you’re thinking: “What? This was released like two days ago?” But apparently there’s been talk of doing a younger Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Ya, ‘cause a couple of ingénues are going to be more appealing than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Pfft.

A Bourne prequel

If they do this, there will allegedly be no Damon and no Paul Greengrass. Fail waiting to happen? Eee-yes.

Horrors, Thrillers


As if anyone’s as hot as Sigourney Weaver. Seriously.

The Birds

Remaking Hitchcock is seldom a good idea. Mostly ‘cause he was a crazy mofo whose insanity made things uniquely his. It’s like rewriting Shakespeare in modern day English – the imagery’s just not there!

Pet Cemetery

This was very fucking weird and creepy the first time. But then again, the horror movie circuit’s been as creative as a peanut butter sandwich for the past decade, so do what you must…

Planet of the Apes

Hmm ya cause the first remake you did a few years ago went oh so well.

Jurassic Park

Erm, I thought we’d covered all the bases here?


A remake could definitely benefit from the potentially amazing CGI. But that would most likely be where the novelty ends. Just leave it alone ne? That cute little dude cannot possibly be any cuter. You’re fighting a losing battle mkay?

The point is, any remake of something that was phenomenal the first time around is going to be a watered down copy. And if you look at the above-mentioned flicks, they were award winners, box office hits or horror movies. And they were one of those three things because of their originality and creative flair. You’d be dumb to not know that any remake today is made for the sole purpose of profit. There is no respect or award winning to be earned there. I just wish the movie world could match its thirst for cash (via remakes) with an insatiable need for originality. How does the industry that brought us Inception, Avatar and Stranger Than Fiction not want more? Because we all know how much both Inception and Avatar made… Maybe it’s about cliques and good screenplays being rejected before they’re read. Maybe it’s money. If you really think about it, there aren’t a lot of movies that have come out this year that really stick. The state of creativity in the movie world is dismal. And I don’t know that it is just money… Whatever it is, let’s all hope its greed doesn’t destroy the art of cinema.

(Dun dun duuun – how serious an ending, right? Sheesh.)

1 comment:

  1. Good bloggage. Sometimes the idea of a remake or sequel can work (as is the case when they do a reworking of the concept), but yeah, mostly it all turns out to be recycled garbage. Unfortunately, studio's gotta make money, and there's still a bigger chance on decent-to-awesome box office returns if they remake stuff they know will draw in a built-in audience from the 80's and 90's.

    In cases such as Avatar or Inception, those benefit from great hype, marketing and (for some people) the directors or actors involved in it. I highly recommend you invest some time in checking out modern European (esp. French) and Asian cinema - lots of brilliant films there that Hollywood eventually remakes anyway.