Thursday, August 12, 2010

Can I get a "OWWW!"

For most women, going for a bikini wax is a truly daunting experience. And we’ve all heard the horror stories. If you’re planning on venturing into the hair-free world that is the Brazilian… This post isn’t likely to make you feel better about it.

My friend, let’s called her Fnoo* (in honour of the nature of this post), had become a regular waxee. Like many ladies, she’d made getting her cat waxed a monthly habit. See now, I’m the kinda girl who likes familiarity when it comes to these things: when I find a beautician who can do it properly, I’ll drive 30kms to get to her every month. Fnoo wasn’t as fussy. She’d heard from a friend of a friend that the new salon in Hatfield, Pretoria had good prices and was ‘pretty good’, so decided to lay it out on a table and be smoothed out by a girl she’d never met before.

Now if there are any gents reading this, or any un-waxed lasses, there are some crucial details to address when getting a Brazilian wax. If you haven’t gone for a while, and if the hair strip in the middle is too long, it needs to be trimmed, for two reasons. The one simple reason is that the strip left behind looks much neater. The other, is that the hot wax can’t dry properly in thick, knotted shrub. That means it’s a whore-lot of pain to get that shit out. Fnoo’s new waxer started off doing the basic outlines. But when the job entered higher grade territory, she let too much wax gloop over onto the longer hair. After writhing in pain for half an hour, Fnoo realised the waxer was try to CUT the wax out of her groin shrubbery. Now picture it: someone pulling your pubic hair upwards, trying to negotiate a pair of scissors as close to the skin as possible. Enter cold sweat for poor Fnoo. As if that experience wasn’t pleasant enough, when she got to the counter to pay, the bastards overcharged her. Dying to get home and put a pack of ice on her fanny, she didn’t argue.

When she finally settled down enough to get naked for a shower, Fnoo obviously looked down to inspect the grooming that had caused her such inexplicable agony.

She had a halfro.

One side of her flapper was completely clean, and the other an unevenly cut, shoddy mess. The next day she was also the happy owner of a purple pussy.

I suppose the point of all this is to play on the title of my blog. And warn you: if you have a Cat Lady who does the job properly, stay there.

*Fnoo: poon, vadge, coochicoo – lady parts. In this instance used to refer to Cooter-Tortured friend.

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